2019 was the year that I discovered that I was sick. It was the year when unresolved trauma, paranoid delusions, and a deadly inferiority complex began to resurface. It was the year where I tied a belt to my neck simply to know what it felt like. It was the year where I abused my mind and body because I felt that I deserved to be punished. It was the year where waking up in the morning became the greatest existential trouble of my time. It was the year where I discovered a great darkness resided inside me.
But it was also the year where I found people who accepted the darkness and allowed their inner light to spark in those moments.
I started going to therapy and taking medication. I got my first ever job. I went on my first ever date. I lost my virginity. I had my first ever taste of being a normal human being. I wrote poetry that I never knew I was capable of writing. I felt feelings that I never knew I was capable of feeling. I became privy to parts of the human experience from which I was so long deprived.
I will never become normal. I have to understand and live with that. There are things in this life that are too late for me to experience. I have to live with the fact that I never got to be a teenager and that I will never get a second chance at adolescence. It’s time I stopped feeling guilty for missing out. It’s time for me to start thinking about what I can experience and the incredible insight my situation gives me.
This is the year I realized I am broken but it’s also the year that I can be fixed and be better than new. I will fill the cracks of my pot with gold.
Photo by Ian Schneider (Unsplash)